May 22, 2019
As I think about things that I have to do to settle mom's estate, I realize that once I go through the rest of her personal effects, I will go through another huge wave of emotions. I'm not exactly sure what that looks like. That's part of the future of my grief journey.
When I look back at where I started with the death of my father, I realize how far I've come. I know I can handle it. I know that grief will come and go. Some days will be fun and easy, and some days will be hard. I have learned this by looking back at the death of my father and realizing that I have come this far. I know that in the end, it'll all be OK. I know my past is currently helping the present portion of my grief journey cope.
Somehow, I'm fixated on the the future... and I shouldn't be. I need to let the anxiety of how I will feel finalizing some things go and live in the now, this current moment. I know that there will be other moments that will sting - like going back to visit St. Louis on future trips and not not seeing mom, or having the house be in a different state than in the last time she lived there... and of course, here not being there.
I need to keep telling myself to live in the now and let the feelings of the future just come when they come and deal with them then and not think about what I might feel ahead of time.
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This week, I'm looking forward to Joshua Black of the Grief Dreams podcast coming to Washington, DC for a conference. I'll finally get to meet him and hopefully sit down and put together some type of future episode of the podcast.
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